UN-acceptable

Sick. AGAIN. I am truthfully very surprised at this turn of events. I've gone years without sniffles, and this year, seems like every time I turn around I've caught something. Should I worry? Go see my doctor? Something seems to be screwing with my immunity. Maybe it's just part of getting older. Nice thought, that. Not only do I have to race the clock to achieve my dream, now I have to do it sick?? Dude. That sucks.

I've been plodding along, despite the doubts. Reading up on international relations theory and public international law. The Brownlie book is incredibly dense and makes me feel stupid. But it's Christmas, and I'm not going to allow myself to miss it all in the name of a job - any job - even this one.

So - I'm still in the game, though my heart is torn. I keep hoping I'll have some amazing dream that will clear it all up for me immediately - let me know exactly where I need to be and what I need to be doing for optimum happiness and life satisfaction. That's happened to me a few times before. Not lately, though. I keep hoping.

Later, gators.

un-certain

I've been a little morose lately. This has to do with a couple of things unrelated to the goal of getting to the U.N. One's family related, and another has to do with an unpleasant event on a message board. That sordid affair led me to make a new pledge: to stop wasting my time on anything that doesn't lead me closer to my goal. I'm obviously not talking about things like spending time with my family, or child, or even with myself - those things are all necessary for other reasons. This is about wasting time. TV watching, Internet browsing, reading trash instead of books that can help me prepare for this process. Sure, we all need down time, but I'm going to try something new - really taking down time by sitting in a quiet place, doing nothing. I bet I last five minutes, if that.

But there's another shadowy sensation creeping up in my blind spot, and its name is uncertainty.

It pokes its head into my line of sight at odd moments, just long enough to say "Hi there! Gotcha!" and disappear again. For instance - decorating the Christmas tree, and going outside to admire our handiwork, hand in hand with partner and child, and thinking, "This is such a great little house. I don't want to leave it." Or talking with a friend about plans for New Year's Eve, thinking in the back of my mind "Think you'll ever be able to make friends up there? Start all over again like that?" And then it inevitably starts - that low humming "maybe-I-shouldn't-maybe-I-shouldn't-maybe-I-shouldn't...."

As you can tell, it isn't the first time I've experienced this creeping doubt and wavering resolve. It usually happens, in fact, with most goals I've set lately, it's happened all the time. And when it does, the goal falls by the wayside, and gets replaced with the next exciting thing. So I'm very concerned about this latest bout.

Am I really making the right decision? Am I trying for this just because I happened to find out about the 39-year-old age limit for the P2/3 exams - the "last chance" aspects of this dream? Do I really, truly want to work at the U.N.? Or do I want something else that I think the U.N. job will bring me? And if so, shouldn't I work to get that here?

You may suspect I already know what that "something else" is. You would be correct in that assessment. It's simple, really - it's acceptance, significance, and being of value. So, three things, but they're all the same thing, really: being appreciated by rising to a higher standard.

So what does it all mean? What do I do now? Should I give up and focus on my current position? Is it any coincidence that in the midst of all this I (a) experience a work crisis that gives me a real opportunity to show my skills and (b) get a last-minute notice that I'm going to have my first evaluation since I started in this position next week?

Or should I simply renew my resolve? Should I just buckle down and work harder, and let the doubt roll through me, and see what happens later?

I honestly don't know.

I think it's some combination of the two. I need to think about that some more. So, signing off, slightly worried, a little depressed ('cause doubt just isn't as gloriously fun as those heady first days of the holy "yes!" to your dream), but still here, and determined to make the best decision for myself and my family. Later.

un-real!

I'm sick again. And none too happy about it. I'm a fairly healthy person, and don't really take well to being felled by bugs. This time it's a sore throat/congestion/cough issue. No big deal, really, I can certainly handle it. But it just annoys me not to be perfectly well. I guess it's a good way to become more aware and grateful for those moments of excellent health, though. Really makes you appreciate what you tend to take for granted. So I'm focusing on the gratitude and grace, and not so much on the cranky.

I was thinking about soft skills (like professionalism, attitude, image) as well as hard skills (the actual substantive knowledge and skills associated with the practice of my profession). One of the aspects of this total branding effort - to turn me into the ideal UN professional - will have to include some attention to a shortcoming I've noticed in myself: a tendency to shrink back and in so doing, look nervous or scared. It has the predictable effect - lack of interest/attention in what I say, not as much reliance on my work as others who don't have any trouble stepping up authoritatively and confidently.

In a supreme example of the principle of universal support of right directions, I found quite by accident the following tips from Debra Benton, a well known speaker and author (Executive Charisma: Six Steps to Mastering the Art of Leadership, and one that I just ordered, Lions Don't Need to Roar):

1. Expect acceptance.
Regardless of rank, expect to be treated as an equal. If you expect acceptance, you just might get it. If you don't expect it, you definitely won't get it.

2. Control your attitude.
Success in business is based more on mental attitude than on mental capabilities. Be optimistic toward yourself, others and life. Walk in to a room with a spring in your step and a smile on your face.

3. Perfect your posture.
Pull your ribcage away from your pelvis, roll your shoulders back and down, pull your stomach in and tuck your bottom toward your spine. Breathe deeply. You'll not only look better, but feel more energized, alert and in control.

4. Think before you talk.
Think fast, pause, then speak purposefully. One CEO practices saying everything to himself before he says it out loud so that he will hear how it sounds and can change it if he needs to.

5. Slow down.
Speed in speaking, moving, gesturing and walking looks nervous and scared. Scared people get passed over, not hired or promoted. Learn to speak in a comfortable, easygoing and welcoming way. Don't waste time, but do speak as if you have all the time in the world for those you are speaking to.

6. Shoot straight.
Everything you say or write can be done in a simple, straightforward manner. Just do it.

7. Be a good storyteller.
People understand you better, remember what you say longer, and find you smarter and more interesting if you use anecdotes to make your points.

8. Be aware of your style.
Clothes don't make the man but they do make a difference. Wear well-tailored, good quality clothes that make you look like you are in charge. But remember, it isn't as much about your look as how you look at things and what people see when they look at you.

9. Admit your mistakes.
If you are error-free, you're likely effort-free.

10. Don't be bullied.
If you are unjustly criticized, don't take the bait and get into an argument. Instead calmly ask: "Why do you think that?" "What do you mean?" or "What's that based on?"

11. Be flexible.
Be able to stand out while still fitting in with the crowd.

12. Be at ease with yourself and others.
Look others straight in the eye, eliminate any defensiveness and take the edge off your voice. Never let them see you sweat!

I really like these tips. They seem very common sense and at the same time, like something that I wouldn't really think about without some triggering event. Certainly seeing them listed like this makes it easy to adopt them as a plan, or series of small changes I can make. Really, all these suggestions are adjustments - not major changes. I'm going to make these my "rest of December" goals for the workplace. Right now, I think I'm sufficiently adept at numbers 2, 4, 6, 9, 11, and 12. My biggest challenge is going to be number 1 - expecting acceptance. A close second - 5. Only minor adjustments needed - 3, 7, and 8.

I'll post more on my progress on these tips later. Til then, if you'd like more information on Debra Benton, she can be found at www.topspeaker.com.

un-successful

At least so far. I've read the state rules. I've asked around on professional message boards, even one specifically for New York professionals. And I cannot answer the week's question. I have no clue if I have to be licensed in New York to work at the U.N. My gut instinct says "no." The job vacancy announcement mentions only being licensed in a national jurisdiction, and I have no clue what that means. I suspect it's "licensed in one of the member countries." I could, however, be wrong.

Feeling better, and have a ton of stuff on my plate, so - back to it. More later.

update: 12/2/2004 - I've heard from one NY member who says it means "any member country or any state in the U.S." I guess I should call the U.N. just to make sure...? If I have to prepare for another certification exam, that's definitely going to affect my "syllabus" if you know what I mean.

un-well

I'm staying home today from work, felled by a bad cold. One of those run-down, achy, sore throat, just-don't-feel-good kind of days, so here I sit. Having dug out the Circa notebook I spoke of yesterday (under the chaise, on top of an old Pottery Barn catalog, with very few pages but otherwise in good shape) I spent the morning alternatively sneezing and jotting down some notes on various international organizations, including many in the U.N. family of agencies. So - progress.

It's sort of fun, actually, having a project like this (in addition to being overwhelming, incredibly complex, and occasionally headache-inducing). I've noted a recent tendency to see everything in terms of its relationship to this project. Almost all non-essential activities get reduced to this test: "Does it get me closer to the U.N.?" In a strange, perverse sort of way, it's a process of simplification. I can't honestly say that if the answer to the question is "no" then it doesn't get done - nothing in my life could be that simple - but it certainly does tend to weed some extraneous stuff out, and it also makes me incredibly focused in a "eyes on the prize" sort of way.

I've been thinking a lot about that lack of a connector. I think what I'm going to do is establish (yet another!) blog to show my progress - one devoted not so much to journaling the process, but to serving as a showcase for my education on the substantive aspects of this project. Not yet, of course - I'm nowhere near ready for it, I don't think. Once I do set it up, I think my entries here will diminish in regularity, because what I have in mind is a fairly complex website. Also, I don't want to link this blog with that prospective one, because that one will not be anonymous, and I think I need to preserve the anonymity associated to this site.

One thing I've also noticed, curiously - a slight change in my demeanor. Normally, when I'm attempting to meet a hard goal, I get very curt, blunt - not rude, exactly, but probably pretty darn close to it. Brusque, let's say. And after the recent elections, I was extremely partisan (I won't say which way). But now I find myself becoming less and less partisan, and more global, more -dare I say it? - diplomatic. More reserved. The brusqueness is gone, too, replaced with a quieter resolve that's just as determined, but not nearly so difficult. That's a change I welcome, honestly, as (I'm sure) do those around me. I wonder if they have any idea what's going on? Besides my partner, I mean, who's been in on this since day one - do they have any inkling that something's up with me? That I have Big Plans, as it were? That there is something behind this change? Do they even notice the change at all? That would be interesting to find out. But since I can't do so without letting felines escape sacks, I'll just have to wonder about it. It's amusing to think all this plotting, planning, studying, and what-not-ing can actually improve my personality!

un-believable

I'm experiencing some cognitive dissonance with respect to this goal right now. I can see its coming to fruition, in terms of visualizing it, but it seems like a separate train track from my current existence and I don't see the connector, if you get my drift. It just seems very far removed from my reality right now. I believe strongly that I have to know with certainty that the achievement of the goal (any goal) is a foregone conclusion in order to make it happen, at least when it's such a big, multi-faceted and complex goal. That's what the literature says, anyway - the "creative visualization"/goal-achievement/Tony-Robbins brand of literature, that is.

I need to find out whether professionals of my flavor need to be New York licensed, or whether there's some sort of regulatory or statutory exception for U.N. related work. That's my goal for the week.

Progress report: finished What Went Wrong, and am halfway through Through Our Enemy's Eyes, and started the book on the National Security Council (the title of which escapes me right at the moment). I am also devising a strategy for the foreign-relations/current events aspect of the study syllabus. I think what I'm going to do is this: make a list of all the country members; using my record book (which I hope to pick up today during lunch), track notes and statistics for each country relying mainly on the CIA's World Fact Book web site; fill in any holes using Google news search for each country's websites and news agencies. So I'll have a main page for basic info on the country itself, plus sub-pages for websites and resources, and another page for "current event" type information.

It just occurred to me that the record book really needs to be adaptable, and I have something that's way better than a bound blank book already - it's called a Circa book, and it's from Levenger. And I already have it, and refill pages - bonus!

why the blog?

Really, for one reason. Well, two, actually.

One: I've long held a belief that human potential is limited only by the failure of imagination. I want to prove that long-shot goals like this are achievable given enough time, focus, determination, and hard work. This blog is a way to test that theory and prove it, at the same time.

Two: I want feedback. Use the comment section to tell me I'm crazy, or better, make constructive suggestions about paths I might want to explore to meet my goal, things I may not have thought about, or just be my cheerleader. Everyone needs a cheerleader. You cheer for me, leave me a link, and I'll go cheer for you on your blog. Deal?

the game plan

Here's what I'm going to work on:

1. Becoming fluent in French. This can only be an asset, although it doesn't seem from the website to be necessary for the position I'm after.
2. Learning everything I can about the U.N. itself - its history, structure, organizational system, operations, rules, and employment hierarchy.
3. Getting thoroughly well-versed in current foreign affairs. I have a good background in world history, if sketchy in places, but I need to become very comfortable talking about the needs, goals, and current situations of all the U.N. member countries.
4. Becoming an expert in international public law - treaties, particularly, but also the International Court of Justice and the legal structure of the member countries.

my assets

Here are the things I have in my corner - assets I can build on to create the best chance of a successful application:

• Native English speaker
• Advanced professional degree and Bachelor's degree in Speech from an American four-year college of modest repute
• Some knowledge of French
• Family and friends in New York. Most work in commercial real estate or finance, not foreign relations, but - still. It's a start.
• A supportive family.
• A home computer with a highspeed Internet connection.
• Free access to a legal and informational database, subject to certain limitations.
• This blog, and its comments.
• Some disposable income to buy necessary resources (study aids, books, scouting trips, postage).
• Steady work history, including some similar work responsibilities (just on a much lower level and MUCH smaller scale).
• an ongoing subscription to and two years of back issues of Foreign Affairs
• Belief that this is possible, albeit a long shot, and an amazing capacity to dream big.

getting started

So - here we go. I'm using this blog to track my progress towards a newly-acquired goal. One of those things that has been simmering for a long time (three years, 47 days, six hours, ten minutes...) but has now become a sort of do-or-die, given an inherent time limit I just discovered.

I want to work at the U.N.

This is a strange goal for me, really. For what ought to be obvious reasons, I'm keeping myself anonymous. But trust me when I say that I was the least political person that I knew, growing up. It wasn't until the terrorist attacks of September 11 that I began to realize I could play a part on that stage, and it wasn't until a few months after that realization that I recognized the desire.

So here I am, with some advanced education under my belt, but no experience in foreign affairs at all. And I plan to get a job at the U.N. as a professional.

I think I may be harboring unrealistic dreams. But I have to try it now, if I'm going to try it at all. Because next year, I will be 39. And ...

"For P3 positions, a candidate must possess an advanced university degree, four years of professional experience, and be 39 years of age or younger."

Yikes.